Binghamton University to relocate campus to Long Island

BINGHAMTON, N.Y. – Binghamton University will relocate its campus to Long Island to better accommodate the student body, many of whom hail from the region.

“Relocating to Lawn Guyland will help us improve the daily lives of so many of our students,” said Binghamton University President Harvey Stenger. “An abundance of students live on the island, and are forced to make the excruciating drive back and forth, multiple times a year. So we figured we’d make it easier on everyone and just set up shop down there. And what can I say — I like the beach!”

To cut costs, the University will rebuild in the hamlet of Montauk, the easternmost point of Long Island.

“Get outta here!” said Rebecca Goldstein, a junior from Levittown. “You don’t know how much easier this is going to make my life.”

With the relocation, the University will make several updates, including the following:

• Dining options will consist entirely of scooped-out bagels, pizza, heroes, buttered rolls, cheese fries and deli sandwiches. In fact, there will be a diner within every 50 yards.
• The Anderson Center will be renamed The Billy Joel Center for the Performing Arts.
• Bartle Drive will be replaced by the Bartle Expressway.

For more information, email StrongIsland@binghamton.edu.